A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there! The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks."The bartender is still unsure so the man asks..."Would anyone else like to try?"The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says..."I will but don't smack me on the head!"
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down more...
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking, "Put that on my WHAT?"]
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee? ]
Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.
[Stand clear or you'll get pucked.]
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
[3 very lonely men.]
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]
When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth.
[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something more...
A man goes into a bar on the Shankill road with his pet crocodile. He asks "do you serve catholics?"
The bartender replies "Yes, we're very open-minded here. what can I get you?"
The man replies "A pint of Guinness and 2 catholics for the crocodile."
One day, a blonde is out shopping and decides to stop in at a shoe store. After she's been there for awhile, she finds a pair of crocodile skin shoes that she loves. She asks the cashier how much they are, and when he answers, she decides that she can't afford them. So she leaves.
A few hours later, the cashier is driving home from work, when he sees the same woman on the side of the road, next to a huge body of water. He's a bit surprised, so he pulls over to see if she's okay. But before he has time to ask her, he notices she's got a huge gun in her hands, and is shooting into the water. Then he sees that she has a huge pile of dead crocodiles beside her.
She shoots into the water again, killing yet another crocodile, pulls it out and yells 'Damn! This one's not wearing shoes either!'