Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No...not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?" asked the 70-year-old.
"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old more...
There were these people and there names were Shut-up crap and manners they driving down a highway and were speeding crap seen something out the window and jumped to get it so manners went after him so shut-up was all alone. Shut-up was speeding and a cop pulled him over and said whats your name he was like Shut-up and the cop was like whats your name he was like Shut-up and the cop was like wheres your manners Shut-up was like 5 miles back picking up crap!!
There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:Police Officer #1: "What's your name?"Shutup: "Shutup."Police Officer #2: "Where's your manners?"Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!"
2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, "I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!"
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1.) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2.) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
3.) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.