Crack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:
"Jack, what happened to you?!?"
"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"
"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"
"Naw...After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack - so I tried to poke it back in."

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:"Jack, what happened to you?!?""It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!""Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?""Naw...After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack - so I tried to poke it back in."

Lost!!
Once upon a time there was a blonde. Sometimes she didn't think that words matched their definitions.
She didn't like the word house, for instance. When she bought a house, she went ahead and named it HairyAss. Not knowing the real meaning of this word, she loved it.
One day she got a little boxer puppy. It was beautiful, a showdog!
Once again, she didn't like the word dog. She renamed it Crack.
One day she couldn't find her prized boxer, and she panicked. She ran all over the neighborhood screaming and waving her arms.
An officer pulled over.
"What's the matter miss?"
The blonde looked at him, tears streaming down her face.
"Officer, you've GOT to help me. I have looked all over my HairyAss, and I can't find my beautiful little Crack!!!"

New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:
DIVORCED BARBIE
comes with all of Ken's accessories
TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE
"welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month
CRACK ADDICT BARBIE
pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine
BOULEVARD BARBIE
with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels
LESBIAN BARBIE
Barbie with a butch
LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE
actually no different in appearance from regular Barbie
BULIMOREXIA BARBIE
also no different in appearance from regular Barbie
BRUNETTE BARBIE
the only Barbie with a brain
QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE
yeah, right
BOW-WOW BARBIE
the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen
PUNK BARBIE
has rings in all sorts of strange places
NAVY PILOT BARBIE
comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately
BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE
now Barbie's a D-cup
CANCER PATIENT BARBIE
remove the wig and Barbie's more...

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told more...

O MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot5 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactorybecause:6 times you just laid there,8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was more...

Recent Generations Compared:
1940 generation 1965 generation 1990 generation
_______________ _______________ _______________
International Defeat of Hitler, Opposed Vietnam Changed channel
Achievement Communism War to MTV
Judicial Legal system should Legal system should Legal system should
idea support society change society destroy society
Technological Moon landing Personal computer Beeper, car alarm
highlight
Highbrow Classical Jazz Easy listening
Music
Lowbrow Big bands Rock Rap
Music
Civil rights Martin Luther King Malcolm X Damian Williams
leader
Hero Eisenhower John Kennedy Madonna
Economic Raise 60's generation Develop Support 60's
achievement Sophisticated generation
Tastes retirement
Fav' drug Cigarettes Marijuana Crack
Drug most Marijuana Crack Cigarettes
hated
Economic Work hard - get ahead Let your parents/ Prepare for employment
philosophy government support at more...