A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him,' 'I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears,' 'Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says,' 'Dad, go home, you're drunk!''
"Least Popular Christmas Carols" (as sung by the Late Show Carolers)
As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
"O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"
all im going to do is crack an egg on your head... BANG!!!... whoops! it was hard boiled
I'm sure you can substitute any college name you want into these and you will get the same results!!!
How many UCLA alumni does it take to change a light bulb?
One to crack the whip and make his bitches do it for him... How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician. How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: Davis doesn't have electricity. How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it. How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to more...
A blond and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blond asked the brunette what she was going to buy.
The brunette replied, "I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?"
The blond said, "I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."