Cotton Jokes / Recent Jokes

I've just invented a cotton gin," Eli Whitney declared proudly as he emerged from his workshop.
"Big deal," his wife grumbled. "Who needs a fluffy Martini?"

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"
"Well," St. Peter more...

I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney. ..
Oh Lordy!
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I`m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O`Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and more...

A group of black men approach and say: can u tell me how to get to the trainstation please?
I say: certainly monkey face. U go past the cotton picking chimp, down past the crack house, round the burny cross, past the job centre, and its opposie the banana tree.
As I lay in hospital I'm thinking to my self thats the last time eat them fucking rowntrees randoms.

Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. "Hey," cried the foreman, "what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?" "Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend," explained Braxton, "but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him." "How come you got the cotton in your ears?" "Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!"

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO
MOURN HIS PASSING.
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton. "RIP, Fred.