Corp Jokes / Recent Jokes
This article is from the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994: Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Llines, and No Qquestion Seems To Be Too Basic
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the computer's operation.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal more...
Befuddled PC users flood help lines, and no question seems to be too
basic
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new
Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made
sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she
pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman
replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this
little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot pedal," it turned out,
was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the
computer's operations.
Personal-computer makers are discovering that it's still a low-tech world out
there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households,
they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are a more...
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you more...
Microsoft Corp today announced that they would purchase the source the
PenPoint operating system for the value of one of Bill Gates eye-lashes
(est. value $1.3 million). Gates was quoted as saying "we are only doing
what the consumer has asked us to do: ship huge, bloated, bug-ridden
programs while using every trick in the book to kill our competitors. As an
example of our progress, consider Windows CE which paints the screen slower
on a 75 MHz MIPS RISC processor than the 16 MHz 68000 in the Palm Pilot,
while sucking the batteries dry in a tenth of the time."
Microsoft Corp. dismissed an anti-virus company's claim that versions
of Internet Explorer 3.0 and above possess another hole in security by
calling the feature in question a "design thing, not a bug."
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.""No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D more...
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...