Congratulations Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain more...

/Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain more...

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."How could two people as beautiful you... have such an uglybaby?"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I neverbelieved in Hell until I met you."As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're nothere to ruin it for me."As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."Someday I hope to get married... but not to you."You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"When we were together, you always said you'd more...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a youngnewlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastorgoes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastorgoes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week Ihad to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to thenewlywed couple and asks,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex fortwo weeks?""Well Pastor, we were more...

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married! A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After more...

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly
baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never
believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not
here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,......... I would like more...