An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails."
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."
'Twas the night before implementation
and all through the house,
not a system was working,
not even a mouse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in dispair,
in hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of transactions danced in their heads.
When out of the ADC came such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a guru programmer (with a sixpack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
and he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Update! On Inquiry! On Add! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed-over; fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his more...
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. "Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!"
The captain then called for his first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.
The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, "Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!" Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.
During the celebration the first-mate asked, "Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?"
"The answer is simple. That way, if I'm injured, the crew won't know and they won't lose hope."
Just then the lookout burst through the door, "Captain, ten ships more...
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq., here are the top 10 proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs. William Jefferson Clinton:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral