Centipede Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.Then came the second half...First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP! Tackled for a five yard loss.The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other."Who made that tackle?" asked the ant."I did," said the centipede.Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP! Tackled for another five yard loss.Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?

A centipede with athlete's foot.

A man enters a pet shop and tells the owner he'd like to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner suggests a dog.
"A dog?" the man replies.
"How about a cat?" the owner says.
"No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" the man replies.
The owner thinks for a moment, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
"A centipede?" the man says. "I can't imagine a centipede being able to do everything, but yeah... I'll try a centipede." He pays for the centipede and takes it home.
When they arrive home, he looks at the centipede and says, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and to his astonishment... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed.
He then says to the centipede, "Go clean the living more...

Meyer’s second pet
Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
Meyer took the box home. He found a good place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, more...

Why was the centipede late? Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother! What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie talkie! What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A centipede with chilblains! What has 50 legs but cant walk? Half a centipede! What do you call a guard with 100 legs? A sentrypede! What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken? Enough drumsticks to feed an army! What did one centipede say to the other centipede? You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs, You've got a lovely pair of legs. ...! Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on! What is worse than an alligator with toothache? A centipede with athlete's foot! What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk? A centipede with a wooden leg!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A walkie-talkie

What did one centipede say to the other centipede? Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs, Youve got a lovely pair of legs. ...!