Case Jokes / Recent Jokes
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and more...
CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel more...
At the end of World War II Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the
famous Yalta Conference. During a break the three chiefs of state were
relaxing. Wanting to show off a bit Roosevelt took out a silver
cigarette case on which was engraved: "To FDR from a loyal Democratic
Not to be outdone Churchill took out a gold cigar case on which
was engraved: "To Winston from the loyal Tories."
Stalin then smiled broadly and reaching into his vest withdrew an enormous
cigar case encrusted with rubies and emeralds on which was written: "To
Count Esterhazy from the Vienna Jockey Club."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them.", replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer?
"I sure did, that's how we won the case. .. good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer
said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you
don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I
don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have
a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I
park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your
wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about more...
A ten year old boy was accused of rape and at the circuit court,
his case was called and his lawyer a female, quickly, lifted the boy on top of a table, opened his zip, pulled out his penis and asked, My Lord, Can this small penis rape and defile a 25 year old girl?
Shh! whispered the boy into the lawyers ears! Please dont shake my penis or else we will loose the case.
sumbited (ERIC TAYLOR-HAGAN) 020 8132755 - more, more, more...