Carlos Jokes

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"

It is the world cup qualifiers in 2006 Brazil vs Scotland Carlos says "We can't be bothered to play Scotland they are to easy".
"I'll take them on single handedly" Ronaldo said. "You go to the pub."
So later on they check the score Ronaldo 1 10: 00 mins
Scotland 0
Then they turn it of later on they say "the game should be finished check the score". Ronaldo 1 10: 00 mins
Scotland 1 89: 00 mins
Then Ronaldo comes down and says "I let you down" NO you didn't you got a draw Carlos said "No I did I got sent of in the 12th minute.

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now more...

You need to have a British sense of humor (ahem - that would be humour) to fully understand this. There is an explanation of some of the terms following the joke...
Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But there's no sign of Carlos.
A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?"
He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.
On the floor he spots Carlos. He's lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.
"Get back kids," he shouts.
Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station.
"Sarge, get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man... He's topped himself."
Being English more...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his genitalia and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.