Candidate Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The President of the United States has a Top Secret Mission of the utmost importance he needs done.
    He's going over files from 3 different candidates and calls in the first one who is a Navy SEAL. On the Presidents desk is a 9mm pistol. The president says in the next room is your wife I want you to take the pistol and kill her. Navy SEAL takes the gun puts it back down on the desk and says sir I love my wife I'm sorry I cant do it and walks outs.
    The President calls in the second candidate who is an Army Ranger. The president tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he want him to take the pistol and kill her. The Army Ranger gets up goes into the next room sees his wife and comes back out. He tells the President I cant do it I saw my wife and just couldnt do it cause I love her and he walks out.
    Well the President calls in the last candidate who is a Marine Sniper. The President tells him that in the next room is his wife and that he wants him to take this more...

    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

    Who will you choose?

    Hot 8 months ago

    It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consultswith astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chainsmokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleepsuntil noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart ofbrandy every evening. Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't hadany illicit affairs. Which of these candidates is your choice?? Candidate A is Franklin D. RooseveltCandidate B is Winston ChurchillCandidate C is Adolph HitlerSent by Marina

    A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
    The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"
    The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!"
    So the boss yells, "Get out!"
    The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"
    The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"
    So the boss says, "Get out!"
    As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."
    So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"
    The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"
    And the boss more...

    A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.
    The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."
    "O.K." said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T."
    "That's easy", said the candidate for admission. "Today and Tomorrow."
    "Hmmmm", said the angel. "Well I can't argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
    "There are twelve", said the candidate.
    "Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"
    "Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."
    "O.K." mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first name."
    "God's first name is more...

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