Button Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tazer Test

Hot 2 years ago

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

Indian on a plane!

Hot 5 years ago

There was a Scottish man, an English man and an Indian man all on a plane. The pilot said, on my count press the red parachute button. So the Scottish man survived as he pressed the button,then the English man survived as he also pressed the red button. Finally the Indian man died as his red button was on his forehead!! ITS NOT WORKING he yelled as he fell to the ground!

Blonde in space rocket

Hot 5 years ago

The NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.
When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig1, read you loud and clear"
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hallo, Pig2, Here Houston, come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right. Over and out."
An hour later when the rocket has achieved the more...

Aggies R Dum

Hot 2 years ago

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.
They attempted to rob a bank but got caught.
They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair.
The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."

automatic tampon remover

Hot 4 years ago

There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the men's bathroom was all filled up and he couldn't wait.
He looked over at the girl's bathroom and there wasn't a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.
He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went "ah". He pushed the second button and went "ooo". Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, "What happened?"
The doctor said, "Didn't you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?"

This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

Why does a blonde girl always have a bruise around her belly button??? Cause blonde boys aren't that smart either.