Bum Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Will work for food

    Hot 5 years ago

    A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says,' What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would more...

    Out of work

    Hot 1 year ago

    Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

    A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

    The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

    A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

    The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

    After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

    Aussie Slang

    Hot 4 years ago

    I'm hungry:

    "I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
    "I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
    "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
    "I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
    "So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

    I'm thirsty:

    "I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
    "I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
    "I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
    "I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
    "I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
    "I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

    I need to go for a pee:

    "Gonna drain me dragon."
    "My back teeth are floating."
    "Need to syphon the python."
    "Takin' the kids to the pool."
    "I got to take a snakes more...

    When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

    When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guys amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!"

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