Bum Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Will work for food

    Hot 4 years ago

    A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says,' What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would more...

    Out of work

    Hot 9 months ago

    Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

    A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

    The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

    A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

    The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

    After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

    Aussie Slang

    Hot 4 years ago

    I'm hungry:

    "I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
    "I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
    "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
    "I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
    "So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

    I'm thirsty:

    "I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
    "I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
    "I'm dry as a f**k with no foreplay."
    "I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
    "I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
    "I'm drier than an Arab's fart."

    I need to go for a pee:

    "Gonna drain me dragon."
    "My back teeth are floating."
    "Need to syphon the python."
    "Takin' the kids to the pool."
    "I got to take a snakes more...

    Little Johnny and his little red wagon goes to the store and he asks the clerk "do you have any bum?"

    The clerk said, "no you mean gum."

    Then Johnny asks the clerk "do you have a fuck it?"

    The clerk said "no you mean a bucket."

    Finally Johnny asks the clerk " do you have a cock and spank it?"

    The clerk said "no you mean a cocker spaniel."

    As Little Johnny goes home with all of his stuff in his little red wagon he suddenly forgot one more thing so he goes up to a old man and he said to him.

    "Sir can you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it?!"

    These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

    He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

    He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

    "Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

    The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

    A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

    And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

    The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! more...

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