Bring Jokes / Recent Jokes

CAT User's Manual

Hot 7 years ago

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

The Romantic Sailor

Hot 7 years ago

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing more...

No sword!

Hot 6 years ago

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Desert Survival

Hot 7 years ago

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert."What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand."Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.""Why's that Timmy?""Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration...""And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently."Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."

Architect programmer

Hot 7 years ago

If architects had to work like programmers...Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If more...

Gimme A Cookie

Hot 6 years ago

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.
He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.
When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.
This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.
Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.
The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.
After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet
the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for
you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you
die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The
cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the
cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man-can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. more...