Break Jokes / Recent Jokes

100 Reasons It's Good to Be a Woman
1. free drinks
2. free dinners
3. free lunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. Speeding ticket? What's that?
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone more...

A lonely explorer is lost in the jungle and gets caught by a tribe of cannibals.
He is brought to the chief who speaks his judgement:
You shall be eaten alive!
Unless you succeed in the three tests of liberty!
The guy naturely agrees to perform the tests, for it is his last hope of escape.
The Chief sentences hil to the test of the jungle:
"First, you go in first hut and drink everything".
"Then, you go in second hut, and break legs of lion!"
"Last, you go in third hut and bring oldest tribe member (130 years old) to orgasm."
The explorer enters the first hut and drinks 3 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of whisky and a crate of beer.
After an hour he comes out, drunk as never before, and stumbles into the second hut.
Suddenly hell breaks loose. Dust flies around, and the hut shakes wildly from left to right.
The cannibals fear that their supper is being eaten by the lion, and just before they decide to kill the more...

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised more...

Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

This is another joke I heard from a friend many years ago. It is however
a translation from an Iranian joke.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the
food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir,
I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the
house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks
over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few
minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen
and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out more...

"Doctor", said the young man lying on the couch, "you've got to help! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I am lying in the bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what would you do?"
"I push them away."
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this."
The patient implored, "Please...Break my arms."

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, more...