Boss Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past more...

Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss says:
"You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."

#1 Once you have their money... never give it back.
#3 Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
#6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
#7 Keep your ears open.
#8 Small print leads to large risk.
#9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
#10 Greed is eternal.
#13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
#16 A deal is a deal... until a better one comes along.
#18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
#19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
#21 Never place friendship above profit.
#22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
#27 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest business man.
#31 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother... insult something he cares about instead.
#33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
#34 Peace is good for business.
#35 War is good for business.
#40 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.
#41 Profit is it's own more...

One day, two men were digging a ditch in the hot sun, when one said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch in the hot sun, when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know, but I'll go ask him," replied the other.
So, he climbed out of the hole and walked over to his boss. "Why are we digging in the sun and you're standing in the shade?" he asked.
"It's called 'intelligence'," the boss replied.
"What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?" asked the man.
The boss said, "I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a swing and tried to hit his boss' hand, but the boss removed his hand and the ditch digger ended up hitting the tree instead. "That's intelligence!" said the boss.
The ditch digger went back to the hole. When his friend asked what the boss had said, he replied, more...

There was a Latino man looking for job.
The boss asked, "Do you speak English?"
"Yes, Senor," he replied.
The boss continued, "I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with these three words: Green, pink and yellow."
The Latino man laughed, "That's easy, Senor. Here it is: The phone GREENS, I PINK it up and say YELLOW."

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation
--- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at more...

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was - "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree' n tree' n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree' n more...