Booze Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you more...

    Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A - Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says?.. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says?? a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B - George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says?.. a. Uhhh?.. b. If George Bush more...

    THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.
    1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
    2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
    3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
    4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
    5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
    6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
    7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your more...

    THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.8. WARNING: consumption of more...

    Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less
    Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).
    It's not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on "New Kids night" at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it's them.
    Number 9. Be female.
    Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can't expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend more...

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