Bends Jokes

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    The "'Tis Bottle"

    Hot 4 years ago

    Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck,
    and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an
    intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person
    who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis
    bottle."
    Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I
    absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three
    surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in
    the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the
    coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest
    mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to
    bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten
    million."
    Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.
    First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him
    into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he
    is more...

    An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball on the tee, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

    "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

    "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her more...

    A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on a beach when three beutiful women approched him.
    The women took pity on him and the first women asked,
    "Have you ever been hugged?".The man shakes his head.."No", so the women bends down and gives him a hug.
    The second women asked,
    "Have you ever been kissed? ".Again the man shakes his head.."No ", so the women bends down and gives him a kiss.
    The third women asked,
    "Have you ever been fucked?".The man says "no", his eyes lighting up.
    "You are now", she says"the tides coming in!".

    The Waiter and the Fart

    Hot 5 years ago

    A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the wauter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"
    A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs... "A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit inyour pants more...

    One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.
    "Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
    At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
    "My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"
    "No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had more...

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