Bar Jokes / Recent Jokes

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty



Company more...

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to comms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to comms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to comms for instructions."
She sits down and just as she is about to more...

A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey nigger, give me a jigger."

The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."

The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.

Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."

To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers here."

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.

A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer.
"Certainly, sir. That'd be one cent."
The guy was surprised at the incredible price.
The guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg.
"Certainly, sir. That'd be five cents including the beer."
The guy couldn't trust the bartender no more and called for the manager.
"The manager's upstairs with my wife."
The guy curiously asked why he was with his wife.
"He do my business, I'll do his."