Band Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Doctor, my fiance and I are getting married this weekend, and he thinks I'm still a virgin," the woman said. "Can you do anything to help me?"
"Medically, no," replied the doctor. "Try this: When you're getting ready for bed on your wedding night, slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When he enters you, snap the rubber band and explain to him that it's your cherry popping."
On their wedding night, the bride undressed in the bathroom and slid the rubber band around her thigh. The couple then got into bed and began to make love. When her husband entered her, she snapped the rubber band right on cue.
"What the hell was that?" exclaimed the husband.
"That was my cherry popping," she explained.
"Well, could you snap it again?" he moaned. "It's got my balls!"

There was a young girl who had just gotton engaged to a very Catholic young man, and she was very happy. The only problem was her husband thought that she was a virgin, and she wasn't. She was afraid that her husband would be able to tell when they finally had sex, so she went to a doctor and asked him what she should do.
The doctor told her "Wrap and elastic band around your leg, and when you finally have sex, snap the elastic band so that it makes a sound. When he asks what it is, tell him that it's your virginity snapping.
So the big night finally comes, and when they start going at it, she snaps the elastic band, just like the doctor told her to.
Her bridegroom yells "Auugggh! What's that!!??!!".
The woman says "Don't worry honey, it's just my virginity snapping" to which her husband replies "Well snap it again, it's got my b*lls!"

From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 1
Re: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: Everyone
Date: December 2
Re: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
From: Mickey Hennigan, Human Resources Director
To: more...

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Button sported by high school band director - A depiction of a saxophone and a cymbal, with the caption "Sax Cymbal."

21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back more...

The Byrds are getting together for a 24 venue reunion tour. Sources say that new member George W. Bush will be playing drums and guitar to save money for the band. Apparantly, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds.