Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Men: start their more...
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven. God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it,
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, more...
A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesn't have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.
A woman who ignored doctors and had a fly puff in a hospital ward while visiting a sick friend fell out of a window.
German Inge Brunner lost her balance while puffing out of the window and plunged 65 feet.
But she escaped serious injury after an ash tree (Ash tree? How very apropos... MM) broke her fall.
The 25-year-old was able to walk back inside the hospital (VERY convenient place to fall off a window...) in Tuebingen where she was treated for cuts and bruises.
Afterwards she vowed: "I'm going to give up smoking straight away. I had asked the doctors if I could smoke inside and they said no as it was bad for my health.
"I ignored them and decided to smoke out the window so no one would know, but lost my balance.
"But I have learned my lesson. No more cigarettes for me."
(Source: Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Wednesday, 7/18/01)
As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT want to see happen at the ATM...
* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.", and ejects your card.
* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
* You think you've got