Bacon Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to more...
A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.
As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; a strange old man sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man. "Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving."
The old man replied, "You know, I can see the future... Wait... I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yes, I see, I see."
"I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There more...
A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!" came the reply.
A small boy hears a noise coming from upstairs, he shouts to his mum and dad to find out what they are doing.His mum replies just having bacon and eggs son.A few days later the small boy hears the same noise again upstairs, he stands at the bottom of the stairs and sees his mum coming down.Have you been having bacon and eggs, yes said his mum how do you know.The boy replied i can see BACON FAT DRIPPING DOWN YOUR LEG
Back in the cowboy days, a wagon train is lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. Suddenly, they see an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushes to him and says, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get something to eat?"
"Vell," replies the old man, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" the wagon leader asks.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie," says the old man.
The leader returns to his people and tells them that they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "Then why did the old man say not to go there?" some of the pioneers ask.
"Oh, you know that Jewish people don't eat bacon," the leader explains.
So, the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre more...
Bacon a cake for your birthday!
Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't justhow you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and more...