Asylum Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    An inmate at the insane asylum was being examined for possible release. The first question the examining doctor asked was: "What are you going to do when you leave this institution?"
    "I'm gonna get me a sling shot," said the patient, "and I'm gonna come back here and break every goddam window in the place!"
    After six more months of treatment, the patient was again brought before the examining doctor for possible dismissal, and the same question was put to him.
    "Well, I'm going to get a job," the patient replied.
    "Fine," said the doctor. "Then what?"
    "I'm going to rent an apartment."
    "Very good."
    "Then I'm going to meet a beautiful girl."
    "Excellent."
    "I'm going to take the beautiful girl up to my apartment and I'm going to pull up her skirt."
    "Normal, perfectly normal."
    "Then I'm gonna steal her garter, make more...

    Thirteen!

    Hot 6 years ago

    A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
    He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.
    His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.
    He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

    A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

    Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:
    *29 have been accused of spousal abuse
    *7 have been arrested for fraud
    *19 have been accused of writing bad checks
    *117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
    *3 have been arrested for assault
    *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
    *14 have been arrested on drug related charges
    *8 have been arrested for shoplifting
    *21 are current defendants in lawsuits
    *In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
    Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
    It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?

    Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
    Another one said, "How do you know?"
    First inmate answers, "Winston Churchill told me!"
    Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

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