Assistant Jokes / Recent Jokes

What to do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear more...

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory.
That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
------------------
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have
dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was. Down deep in his heart he
wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After
the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional... that she was the housekeeper and
cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said,
"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took
it, do you?" The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it very much, but I'll write him
a
letter." So he sat down and more...

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled,' 'Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled,' 'Down nuts!'' And they all sat. After a home run he yelled,' 'Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied,' 'Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,' 'PEANUTS!''

The meanest principal in the world was worried that his private school would close because of lack of students. One day he called in his overworked assistant and demanded that he go out and recruit more students or be fired.

The next day five new students signed up. The day after that another ten signed up. Within a week the enrollment was sky high.

Pulling his assistant aside one day, the principle asked, "How did you get so many new students to sign up?"

"It was easy," replied the assistant. "I just started a rumor that you were quitting."

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19. 95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19. 95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19. 95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19. 95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. 95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19. 95, Cyber Barbie for $19. 95 and Divorced Barbie more...

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
> kitchen
> department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks.
>
> "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks
> Becks.
> The
> assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
>
> Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
> training
> session.
>
> "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos
> flask."
> The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot
> things
> hot and cold things cold,"says David.
>
> "And what have you got in it?" asks Roy Keane.
>
> "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.