Applicant Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
    3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
    ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
    Using only more...

    The Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to retire, and has been notified by his bosses that he must first find a replacement bell ringer.
    He places a notice in the "Help Wanted" section of the local paper, and one day an applicant climbs the stairs to the bell tower, in search of employment.
    The Hunchback cautions him on the dangers involved in the job - mainly, that of slipping and falling to one's death while bell ringing. The applicant seems unimpressed by this, and explains to the Hunchback that he comes from a long line of bell ringers, and that his family uses a special bell ringing technique.
    The Hunchback, eager to see this, asks him to audition. The applicant goes up to a large bell perched high in the tower, pulls it towards him, and smashes his forehead into it to make it sound. Dazed from the impact, he stumbles and falls from the tower to his death below. The Hunchback climbs down there to find a crowd gathered and a policeman who says, "I see more...

    A prominent biogeneticist is conducting advanced research on the similarities between primates and humans. After a decade of preparation, he is now ready for his most daring experiment to date: the mating of a human with a gorilla.
    Having spent years searching for the proper gorilla, he finally selects a supple simian from the San Diego Zoo. Finding the human partner, however, will be more difficult. First, he designs an extensive and detailed forty-page questionnaire. Next, he places a classified ad in the New York Review of Books: "Wanted: Single White male, between 25 and 27 years of age, with a Master's degree, non-smoker, who loves Mozart, animals and long walks on the beach, to impregnate a female gorilla. Stipend: $300."
    To his delight, the researcher receives over two hundred letters, and promptly sends a copy of the questionnaire to each of the respondents. Over 90 percent of the questionnaires are returned, but only one applicant fulfills all the more...

    A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
    1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''
    2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''
    3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''
    4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''
    5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''
    6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''
    7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''
    8. ''When I asked him about his more...

    A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.
    "Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!" "Yes," replied the applicant.
    "There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive.
    "Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.

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