Anybody Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The miossing rooster

    Hot 1 year ago

    A priest had a small flock of chickens, but the prize rooster went missing, and he didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next Sunday he queried:
    "Has anybody got a cock?"
    All the men stood up.
    "No, no, I mean has anybody seen a cock?"
    All the women stood up.
    "No, no, I mean has anybody seen my cock?"
    All the nuns stood up!

    Dave Barry On College

    Hot 5 years ago

    College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
    Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
    1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
    2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
    These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
    It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

    A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
    He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
    She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
    The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law firm do you work for?"

    Sixties Christmas Joke

    Hot 4 years ago

    I remember the 60s, so - at least according to one expert (Wavey Gravy, social commentator and DJ) on the subject - I wasn't THERE. When the 60s recalled these days, it's usually done to point out how angry, vulgar and hateful a time they were. The image is a bit overblown.
    At least when it comes to Christmasy things, the 60s weren't all bad. Charlie Schulz gave us "A Charlie Brown Christmas" back then and that's when the Grinch first became famous.
    I seem to recall a cycle of whimsically ironic humor from back in the 60s. Now, by "whimsically ironic" I mean Jokes that would come from the lips of a Jonathan Winters rather than pen of a P. J. O'Rourke. Anybody remember these? Anybody remember others?
    Look, I don't care what star you're following, get them blasted camels off my lawn!
    "Ho, ho, ho" yerself, little fat guy, the hooves of those animals are chewing up my shingles something fierce!

    Helping Hand

    Hot 2 years ago

    A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear, he assessed his situation.
    He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
    Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
    A deep yet serene voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
    "Who is it?"
    "It's God."
    "Can you help me?"
    "Yes, I can help."
    "Please help me then!"
    "Let yourself go."
    Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
    "Let yourself go. I will catch you."
    "Uh... more...

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