Altar Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.

These are actual announcements from church...
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come more...

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:
* Our next song is ''Angels We Have Heard Get High''.
* Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being more...

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we more...

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couplecold ones after work...."

1. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.

3. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

4. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

5. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

6. A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

7. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Remember more...

1. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

2. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

3. A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

4. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

7. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.