Altar Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.6.Witness to them about the "true religion".7.Untie the knots in their cord.8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

    Fannie Green

    Hot 4 years ago

    A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."The priest tells the sinner "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Marys."Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks, "Who is Fannie Green?""A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say 10 Hail Mary's. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
    in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman more...

    Good Advice

    Hot 4 years ago

    Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
    The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as
    well as informative:
    Dear Dr. Laura:
    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
    the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
    specific laws and how to follow them.
    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor more...

    Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle anda banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymnsto The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero inthe Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

    On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
    Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
    Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
    This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
    Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
    Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please more...

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