Aging Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    An aging hooker volunteered to give the novice a few tips on the art of fellatio. Satisfied that she had perfected the basics, the old pro asked the beginner if she had any questions."Well yeah. I was wondering how long dicks should be sucked.""The same as the short ones, honey."

    Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?... "I'm four and a half "....You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
    That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
    And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES!!!
    But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
    What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40... stay over there, it's all slipping away...
    You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50... and your dreams are more...

    Signs of Aging
    Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
    You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
    Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
    You get winded playing chess.
    You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
    You look forward to a dull evening.
    Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
    You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than
    romantic ones.
    You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
    Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
    You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

    Signs of Aging
    You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
    The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
    You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
    Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
    The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
    You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
    The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
    Your children begin to look middle-aged.
    You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
    Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
    You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.

    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the more...

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