Adult Jokes / Hot Jokes
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap?
A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers
A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven?
A. So the fags got you too! !
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a more...
' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, more...
Kermit the Frog is getting sued by Miss Piggy for Sexual Harassment. She finally had enough of his greeting every time he called her on the phone: "Hi, Hoe - Kermit the Frog here..."
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this guy she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a blonde slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!"
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, more...