Additional Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dear Friends:
    Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need.
    Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level... right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
    BUT NOW YOU CAN HELP!
    For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem,... but it's a start!
    Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent kissing political asses in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage more...

    Dear Tech Support

    Hot 1 week ago

    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
    1.0. I soon noticed
    that the new program began unexpected child processing
    that took up a lot of
    space and valuable resources.
    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
    programs and now
    monitors all other system activity. Applications
    such as Poker Night
    10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
    Racing 3.6 no longer run,
    crashing the system whenever selected
    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
    attempting to run
    my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
    back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
    the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
    Please help!
    Thanks,
    A Troubled User.
    ______________________________________
    REPLY:
    Dear Troubled User:
    This is a very common problem that men complain about.
    Many people upgrade
    from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
    is just a Utilities more...

    The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

    "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference."

    A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

    "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

    "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

    "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

    "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

    "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.

    "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... more...

    God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
    Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
    1. How did you find out about God?
    __ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Bible __ Other __ Torah (specify): _____________
    2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
    __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Horoscope __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Self-help books __ Sex __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs __ Mantras __ Other: ______________________________________ __ Insurance policies __ None
    3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced more...

    Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
    pound. (See line 4.)
    Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
    had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
    dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
    Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
    Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
    Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
    the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
    Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
    tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
    For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
    butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
    final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
    see Form 551.
    Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
    government employee, more...

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