Account Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Making bets

    Hot 7 years ago

    A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

    The Day The NASDAQ Died

    Hot 2 years ago

    Sung to the tune of "American Pie" A long, long week ago I can still remember how the market used to make me smile What I'd do when I had the chance Is get myself a cash advance And add another tech stock to the pile. But Alan Greenspan made me shiver With every speech that he delivered Bad news on the rate front Still I'd take one more punt I can't remember if I cried When I heard about the CPI I lost my fortune and my pride The day that NASDAQ died So bye-bye to my piece of the pie Now I'm gettin' calls for margin' Cause my cash account's dry It's just two weeks from a new all-time high And now we're right back where we were in July We're right back where we were in July Did you buy stocks you never heard of? QCOM at 150 or above?' Cos George Gilder told you so Now do you believe in Home Depot? Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio? And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio? Well, I know that you were leveraged too So you can't just take a long-term view Your broker shut you down more...

    1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris
    2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people
    3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel
    4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS
    5) 1337
    5) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis
    6) Waste peoples' time.
    7) Feing lost of tyops (Feign lots of typos)
    8) TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT ANNOYS PEOPLE
    9) N vwls. (No vowls.)
    10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works
    11) 1337. s3R10u5|Y. D0 u N0 |-|0// mUc|-| 17 4N0y5 pp| 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N /// c|-|475p33K? (Leet. Seriously. Do you know how much it annoys people if you use it in conjunction with chatspeak?)
    12) Act like a 3 year old.
    13) Call everyone "Honey" or "Dear" as in, "Sorry, dear, but we can't do anything about it." or "Don't worry, Hun, it won't help to do that"
    14) Ask a whole bunch of questions and don't answer any.
    15) Subsitute a hole lot of stuff more...

    Will You Marry Me?

    Hot 3 years ago

    The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man. The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary. After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go more...

    [This is an original creation except as noted below]
    [For the occassional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online
    has been distributing "10 Hours Free" disks like crazy. They come with
    magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals
    etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest
    in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]
    Things to do about all of your AOL disks.
    Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
    a signature seen on the net.]
    Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
    Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out
    of names before you run out of disks.
    Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download
    enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Don't stop
    until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining
    unactivated disks for backup more...

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