Acceptable Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
    to her real number.
    Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
    "I love you."
    Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
    When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
    appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
    during a time-out.
    Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
    you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
    Birth control would come in ale or lager.
    You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked
    for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
    Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
    your choice.
    The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
    "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an more...

    "If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...
    Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
    Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
    On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
    St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
    Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!
    The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
    Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
    Tanks would be far easier to rent.
    Two words..."Ally McNaked".
    Birth control would come in ale or lager.
    Garbage would take more...

    * Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
    * Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
    * Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
    * If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
    * Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
    * Birth control would come in ale or lager.
    * You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "The Lone Ranger."
    * Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
    * The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
    * "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable more...

    1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. 3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date. 4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. 5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. 7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will more...

    A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

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