Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the more...
There was a fundraising event being held in the local RSA by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland's most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies.
He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire.
" I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below"
Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war"
and the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"
Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right... 1.Who do want to be most like in life: A.Vanna White B.Michelle Fiefer C.Britney Spears E.None of the Above 2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you: A.Run when you see the seeker B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you C.Run when the seeker sees you E.Follow the seeker quietly 3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease A.You loose alot of weight B.Gain weight C.Get really smart D.Loose your memory 4.How do you kill a bird: A.Hit it B.Throw it off a building C.Cook it D.All of the above 5.What's an important question about pregnancy A.Is it mine B.How far along am I C.Is it a boy or girl D.What hospital should I go to for delivery Don't read them this part: Results: 1. A=5pts. B=3pts. C=2pts. D=1pt. 2. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=3 3. A=4 B=3 C=5 D=1 4. A=3 B=5 C=4 D=1 5. A=5 B=1 C=3 D=2 TOTAL: 20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold more...
Big socialist rally at a stadium on Berkley Campus. The crowd is huge. Attendees are hippie throwbacks, Berkley liberals, every pervert imaginable, all of Hollywood, and of course MSNBC. Two Greek columns on the stage. The crowd is waiting in anticipation. Suddenly, the lightning strikes; the entire place fills with smoke; sparks are everywhere. Out of nowhere, above the crowd, appears a giant, ghostly figure. Floating above the stadium, the figure begins to talk, in a booming, rolling voice:
"I have bestowed a new doctrine upon thee!"
"Thou shall worship me and no other!"
"Thou shall covet thy neighbor's wealth, and thou shall enforce the mandatory tithing upon thy neighbor to the higher authority. The higher authority shall distribute thy and thy neighbor's wealth with wisdom!"
"Thou shall not succumb to the false temptation of profit!"
"Thou shall only abort thy first-born no later that the twelfth month after more...