Above Jokes

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    Telling a tale of WWII

    Hot 5 years ago

    There was a fundraising event being held in the local RSA by the local Women's Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland's most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies.

    He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire.

    " I looked out in front of me" he said " and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below"

    Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said "For all those who don't know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war"

    and the Irish pilot said "Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts"

    1997 Darwin Award Winner

    Hot 2 years ago

    You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
    gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily
    stupid way.
    The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top
    of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
    In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car
    and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
    And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to
    survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he
    graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.
    Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
    satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
    One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He more...

    Deadly

    Hot 2 years ago

    Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

    The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.

    As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
    "Head up," said the doctor.
    "Blindfold or no blindfold?"
    "No blindfold."

    So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

    Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
    "Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
    "Head up."
    "Blindfold or no blindfold?"
    "No blindfold."

    So the more...

    The Speech

    Hot 3 years ago

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the more...

    Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde...yeah right... 1.Who do want to be most like in life: A.Vanna White B.Michelle Fiefer C.Britney Spears E.None of the Above 2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you: A.Run when you see the seeker B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you C.Run when the seeker sees you E.Follow the seeker quietly 3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease A.You loose alot of weight B.Gain weight C.Get really smart D.Loose your memory 4.How do you kill a bird: A.Hit it B.Throw it off a building C.Cook it D.All of the above 5.What's an important question about pregnancy A.Is it mine B.How far along am I C.Is it a boy or girl D.What hospital should I go to for delivery Don't read them this part: Results: 1. A=5pts. B=3pts. C=2pts. D=1pt. 2. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=3 3. A=4 B=3 C=5 D=1 4. A=3 B=5 C=4 D=1 5. A=5 B=1 C=3 D=2 TOTAL: 20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

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