2005 Jokes

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    Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7

    Hot 1 year ago

    A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
    The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.
    "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
    "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
    The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
    So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
    Just then, the light changes, so more...

    Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
    owe $3, 407. 00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
    from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
    you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171. 50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600. 00 per toilet seat.
    I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2, 400) and six
    (6) hammers valued @ $1, 029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3, 429. 00.
    Please apply the overpayment of $22. 00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1. 5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H. U. D. pays $22. 00 each for 1. 5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
    It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next more...

    Counseling 12/30/2004
    Mistress 02/14/2005
    Episode of "Cheaters" 03/17/2005
    Espisode of "Forensic Files" 05/19/2005

    AOL gave me a week to write, produce, shoot, and edit this fake local news show in the summer of 2005. They never wound up using it--for their own convoluted corporate reasons. Someone at AOL thought the #5 in the title was offensive to quintaphobes maybe. Anyway, it stars me, Nick Stevens from the Shark Show, and Becca Greene and Will Nunziata from the Royal We. My pal Alan Harris, who directed the 2005 Emerging Comics of New York Award Winning shorts "I Am Drugs" which are now airing on FUSE, paved our way through this one too. Note: Presumably all the comics that are going to emerge have done so because there doesn't seem to have been a ECNY 2006. I'm glad I emerged in time. Hate to be stuck in whatever open mic limbo all those "unemerged" comics are to live in forever. a DRINK AT WORK production

    You Know You're a Redneck When... (2005 Edition)

    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

    2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

    3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

    4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

    5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    6. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

    7. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

    8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

    9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

    10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    11. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.

    12. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

    13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

    14. Your kids take a siphon hose to show more...

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